Yesterday I went to the hospital for my renal clinic appointment, after a sleepless night worrying that the renal consultant would also say "it's not our problem" and they would decide there was something else wrong with me entirely. Thankfully that was only a bad dream and I got the news I've been expecting for the past 33 years. I'm now in the delightfully named End Stage Renal Failure and will in the near future need dialysis and /or transplantation. The first step is to have a fistula made in my left arm to enable needle access for dialysis. This will be done in the new year sometime then once the fistula matures (6-8 weeks) I'll be ready to start dialysis. Fistulas aren't pretty and I've always liked my arms bare in the summertime but I know it's a small price to pay. Even though I've been expecting to hear this news for so long I still cried when the doctor told me and was so glad that Nel had come to the hospital with me. He had just the right attitude, concerned but able to keep me amused by suggesting stupid things like I-Spy while we waited for yet more blood tests. Despite the tears I feel so much better now I know there is a reason for me feeling like cr*p all the time and that we now have a plan of action. The good news of the day was that I've lost about 14lbs in weight over the last three months and last night tried on a pair of UK size 14 jeans and not only do they fit but they are a little loose on the hips! Not the ideal method of weight loss but I'm not complaining, there has to be some up-side to everything tasting odd due to the lack of kidney function. Even chocolate has a metallic flavour but Fox's Extra Chocolatey Cookies are still good!
I finished the last of my present buying online today so I'm feeling more prepared for Christmas, I still can't believe it is so close though. I think I need to get the tree to make it feel real!

Lazing on a sunny afternoon

I have an alsation fast asleep on my knee, doesn't make typing easy but she is very warm and cuddly which is a good thing on a chilly December afternoon. The frustrations of the current situation have been building up all week but today I have the house to myself, two sleepy dogs and the sun is shining so I'm quite happy. The Christmas present buying is beginning to feel more real as packages arrive in the post. I can't mention most of the gifts as they would be easily identified by the prospective recipients but the two pieces of jewellery bought from Marieflyfly on Etsy are beautiful and will take all my strength to give away! Our local parcel postman is very friendly and always has a little chat when he comes to the door. He looks as though he really enjoys his job too.
This morning when I went to bring the milk indoors there was a very small black kitten on the doorstep, it ran away when the Polar Dog loomed into view but it is back sitting on the doorstep again now. I wonder who it belongs to, and why it has decided the doorstep of a house with two dogs is a good place to sit?

Another Monday safely navigated.

I made it through another Monday and even made scones to really test the gods' patience! Last night I had my cardiology appointment, saw the doctor who says it may not be a heart problem after all, more of a heart reacting to the fall in kidney function and resulting low bloodpressure as all the tests done so far show that my heart is working pretty normally. That is in itself good news but doesn't solve the problems so....more tests to come including a repeat of the stress (treadmill) test.
I've got an appointment with the renal team next week so we'll see what they have to say!
I have the lovely Polar Dog staying with me to keep me company for a few days, she is an excellent companion, as she loves to snuggle up on the sofa and is happy to chase a ball or raggy toy across the room thrown by me still sitting on the sofa! Nino enjoys her company too.
Christmas shopping is being done on the Internet, not my first choice of method but it is the only possible one since I can't stand or walk for long enough to go to real shops. It does lack the crowds of grumpy people bemoaning the difficulties of finding Grandma or Auntie or more likely Uncle a suitable present but I miss the festive atmosphere.
Going up to the hospital last night in the car it was lovely to see Christmas lights on houses and even the odd tree decorated. I love the idea of light in the darkness, my favourite Christmas hymn is "Light one thousand Christmas lights, on dark earth here tonight".

Pretty pans

Well, I made it through Monday safely. I had a very quiet day the only excitement being the arrival of my latest ebay purchase, some le Creuset pans. They had been delivered to my neighbour's house (the house numbers in our road are confusing to say the least) and he kindly brought the huge and heavy box over in the evening. I had to contain my excitement until my son came home and could help open the package and I can tell you it was worth the wait. Three pans with lids, in a spectacular blue with cream inside and a griddle pan, like a frying pan with raised lines in the base, in the same blue but with a black interior. All in excellent condition with pretty wooden handles. They are heavy, very heavy but so pretty. The seller's reason for selling, they redecorated the kitchen and the pans don't match the new decor, Hurrah for people with more money than sense!

If it's Monday it must be the MAU

Last Monday started well enough, I got up, showered and dressed, did a bit of tidying up in the kitchen and made a tray of scones. Put them in the oven and began putting the shopping, which a pleasant young man from Ocado had just delivered, away and collapsed again. Woke up to Nino on one side of me licking my face and Polar Dog on the other patting me gently with a paw. Managed to crawl through to the sofa and the smoke alarm went off ...ah ha cremated scones. Removed them from the oven and got sudden heart pain. Took GTN spray, crawled back to sofa called my son. By the time he and the friend with the car got home (not long) I had a lot of pain and agreed a visit to A & E might be a good idea. Took more GTN spray in car, no effect, the pain got worse and worse and by the time we arrived at A & E, maybe 5 mins away, I was in incredible pain and couldn't breathe. Very dramatic and very very scary. Taken to resussitation room given oxygen and some drugs to stop the ? heart attack/angina and guess what...sent to MAU ward again! I'll spare you the details of the 11 hour wait for a bed, no food, extreme cold while my friend looked for blankets for me, appaling standard of hygiene, illinformed, surly and in one case downright rude staff etc and just say that being allowed home roughly 24 hours after said ?heart attack/acute angina attack was so welcome I'd have crawled home on hands and knees if necessary
I'm now back to "resting", my sister came down to look after me and friends and family have been visiting. I can just about walk upstairs without fainting but I need a rest at the top of the stairs, I've walked into the kitchen a couple of times and almost fallen over after standing for a couple of minutes so my days are spent back on the sofa reading, watching TV (I'm tiring rapidly of home makeover programmes and cookery programmes) Everyone is enjoying cooking on my Everhot and all I've managed is one tray of very burnt scones. Christmas is rapidly approaching so I'm going to have to use the Internet to do some shopping this week.
Despite my grumbles I'm very grateful to all concerned for looking after me and very glad I'm still here to be grumbling. Tommorrow is another Monday and as my son has just said "can you please not end up in MAU again tommorrow". I plan to try very hard.

News from the sofa

Progress of sorts is happening, firstly the kitchen walls have been plastered and look so smooth and lovely. Amazing what a good plasterer can do with a bucket or six of plaster and a float, and an apprentice ...my son was roped in to mix the plaster, make brews and do the clearing up. The Everhot is doing a fine job of warming the kitchen and drying out the plaster...a splendid appliance indeed!
I had the stress (treadmill) test on Monday and did predictably badly, having to give up only seconds into stage two which was a slowish walk with a slight gradient! Apparently my heart beat and pulse did rise but my blood pressure didn't resulting in my feeling very dizzy. The Holter monitor was attached for 24 hours and has now been returned and I had the usual blood tests for next month's renal appointment. these surprisingly show that my renal function has improved by 1%, how crazy is that?
Now that the black sweater is finished I'm knitting a pair of black socks as a thank you present for a friend, still black but just stocking stitch and quite soothing to knit. The first sock is finished though not without having been hidden behind the cushions on quite a few occasions when the recipient walks in unannounced. The yarn is Lang Jawollsuperwash wool. It comes with a reel of reinforcement yarn neatly tucked into the ball, which on sock one I didn't find until way after the heel so I haven't used it. Any suggestions for retrospective strengthening of socks?

Apologies in advance, I'm feeling cross!

Some one has stolen my heart, and replaced it with a rusty creaky substitute and I dont't like it. The week began well on Monday with a short walk, and I mean short, after which I slept for an hour completely exhausted but the joy of going outside again was so good. On Tuesday I had an appointment at my doctors, I was taken door to door but still felt as though I'd done a marathon by the time I got home. Wednesday and Friday I did the short walk, Thursday it was pouring with rain so I stayed in. On Saturday I woke up with pains in my chest again and could hardly walk around the house without running out of breath, so frustrating. I went to bed early and slept for 14 hours so in theory today I should feel rested, HA! Almost fainted in the shower and had to sit on the bathroom floor for a while until I could stand up without keeling over. I've spent the day resting on the sofa with small brown dog by my side and I'm going quietly crazy. How can this be the same heart that I had over the summer when I walked miles with the dogs, cycled around, did decorating and gardening without a murmur. I want to go out for a walk,I want to sweep up the leaves in the garden and play with Nino as he barks at the ones that fall off the trees. I want to be at work, drive my car and ride my bike and I can't do any of those things. Tommorrow I have the stress test at the hospital on a treadmill and the day after I will be wearing a Holter monitor all day to record what happens to my heart as I move about. I have a cardiologist appointment in early December. I know, I know, I have to be patient and see what the tests show but patience has never been a virtue I have much of.
Rant over, time to stop whining and behave myself.I might just go and make myself a cup of hot blackcurrant juice,while enjoying the warmth of the Everhot!